It just sounds so middle aged. Sex clubs. Swingers. Sweaty rooms packed with sagging flesh and broken relationships. The idea didn’t fit at all with the pretty, blonde 24-year-old sitting next to me at this Carlton pot-luck. With a table full of graphic designers and everybody telling horror stories about proposed Liberal policies, this was definitely the most interesting conversation I’d had all night. Three Sailor Jerry’s in, she tells me how much she likes my boobs. Four found her explaining how hard it was to meet girls since she’s started seeing her boyfriend: ‘It’s just finding a quality third, you know? Like, it’s easy hooking up with girls but then you have to be like, ‘Oh my boyfriend is going to be there too, ok?” Five revealed their handy solution. They’d joined a club.
Being a single lady myself, I couldn’t really relate to the frustrations that additional vagina acquisition might create in a relationship. But she had my attention. Like my new buddy, while my main predilection is penis-based, I’m sometimes susceptible to the charms of a lady. All my previous such experiences had developed naturally (ie, via Sambucca), but I could see the appeal of having someone else organise it, and cutting out all the maybes. A few days later I called Anonymous Blond so that I could ‘interview’ her (ask all the questions I had) for SPOOK (me):
SPOOK: What do you mean ‘club’?
AB: It’s not really a club. The one we go to is just a night held at this one house – I think it’s every month? We tried a few others but they can be pretty lame. This one has a vetting process – you have to be young enough and attractive – and they have set numbers for each night. Basically they have standards so you’re not going to run into your maths teacher from high school or whatever! There are specific nights, one just for girls and couples, then ‘everybody nights’ where singles can go – they’re more crowded. We like the girls and couples one because it’s a fun way to hook up with girls with my boyfriend without all the politics. They aren’t girls in my social circle, I know they aren’t going to be like, liking his posts on Facebook or whatever. It’s separate from our normal lives.
SPOOK: So what kind of people go?
AB: If I’m totally honest, it’s like 80% babes, 20% not-babes. Like there’s one or two that I think sneak in over the age limit, which are kind of funny to see in that situation, but the rest are just good looking, normal people you’d probably see out or whatever. People you’d hook up with anyway. It’s cool.
SPOOK: Okay, but how does it work? Do you just walk in the door and be like “Here’s my vagina, everybody!”?
AB: No! No way. There’s like two hours at the start of the night where you just hangout upstairs and talk and stuff. Everyone brings drinks and there is food – it’s kind of like a normal party but you don’t really know anyone and you are all pretty much eyeing each other off. Ha.
SPOOK: That’s what most parties are like anyway…
AB: Right! It’s just really chill, but you put aside all the bullshit. You all know what you’re there for. After that people sort of get changed and go downstairs.
SPOOK: Get changed into what, masks? DO PEOPLE WEAR COSTUME-BALL MASKS? And, what’s downstairs?
AB: NO! Oh my god, if you did that you’d get kicked out. No. They get changed into underwear or whatever. Some girls wear nice lingerie. There’s a changing room and then you go downstairs into this huge area that’s really pretty. It’s all 1920s lounges and beds and lamps and stuff. Heaps of beds. But it’s not like you start boning right away! Most people keep talking and drinking for a bit down there then eventually you look around and people are getting it on.
SPOOK: Like all together? Is this an orgy thing?
AB: Nah it’s usually like three or four or five people at a time. Like a couple with another girl or two couples with some other girls or whatever. That’s the night we go to – it gets a bit more hectic on the ‘everybody’ nights. But especially at the ladies night people are polite – you don’t just jump in on someone’s action. People ask first. It’s kind of cute! Dudes don’t hook up with dudes though – this one is definitely a straight-guy crowd.
SPOOK:But what about other people being able to see you shag? Isn’t that off-putting?
AB: I’ve never even noticed it, seriously. No one is just sitting there watching. And there’s so much going on that whatever you’re doing feels totally normal. Like when everyone goes swimming naked, it’s not weird anymore. It’s not like creeps in raincoats are sitting in the corner jacking off.
SPOOK: So you’re in a relationship, how does this work with that? Do you get jealous?
AB: It’s funny because in other threesome situations I’ve gotten jealous, mainly because we knew the girl and they were in our circle. This is great because it’s totally separate. We only hook up with other girls so my boyfriend obviously isn’t going to get jealous and because it’s my idea, and I’m sort of driving the whole thing, I don’t get jealous. It’s hot. I like girls as a sometimes thing and sharing it with him is fucking hot.
My boyfriend and I were together two years before we started going. For us it’s not an alternative to monogamy, it just compliments it.
The other interesting thing with this place is that nearly all of the couples we’ve met – who are all close to our age, blah blah – it seems to be the girl who’s found the club. Like, there are all these couples who feel secure enough to be like ‘Let’s try this…’ – it’s really cool. I feel like in the past it might have been driven mostly by guys, but now…I don’t know. Also, I feel like if I hook up with lesbian-identifying ladies, I might be messing them around or whatever. This way, it’s totally just girls who are into the same thing as me.
SPOOK: Right, I get that. Do you ever…eh hem…hook up with people outside of this place?
AB: We haven’t yet, but maybe! I could see it happening. But making it a regular thing – or like polyamory or whatever – isn’t the point. It’s just a sexy thing to do. Some people just go once, for an anniversary or something.
SPOOK: So what advice would you give to someone interested in this?
AB: Just try it out! The one we go to is super safe and non-threatening. The people are generally cool and attractive and there’s no pressure to do anything you don’t want to do at all. Everyone understands it can be tricky. For single girls, you are awesome – I wish I’d known about this when I was single. For couples, make sure you’re both totally into the idea and set out your guidelines before you go. Don’t do it for someone else, or if you’re not sure you’re into it.
SPOOK: What are the bones, how do people get amongst it?
AB: Argh, okay – the place we go to is called The Monkey Club. They are super discreet, you can just email them with questions. This Saturday is the rad one we go to but it might be all booked out by now.
Review to come.
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